Ariana RexQuick Summary
Marriage gets messy in ways nobody warns you about, from snoring and toilet seats to money fights, parenting disagreements, and long stretches without intimacy. What actually keeps a marriage together is learning to stop treating every irritation like a battle. We found our way through by using humor, setting simple rules around conflict and money, backing each other up as parents, and finding small ways to reconnect. I’ve learned that staying married isn’t about being happy every day. It’s about choosing each other, even on the days you’re driving each other completely insane.
Let me make a confession regarding marriage which Instagram couples will not: it is tangled, draining, and there are times when you will think Why did you not just have a cat instead. We explain money fights in marriage in more detail in a separate guide.
I have been a spouse for 7 years – a sufficient period of time to realize that marriage promises should actually consist of “for better, for worse, and when you are so mad that you can hardly contain yourself.” When you are ready, our post on name change after marriage is a good place to continue.
Having many years of experience in relationship coaching. Believe it or not, among all the difficulties in marriage that no one dares to discuss at brunch, this is the absolute truth:
1. How to Survive Marriage: The Great Snore Wars Case Study
At night, my husband resembles a freight train suffering from a severe sinus problem. I have made attempts such as:
- “Kindly” elbowing him (he calls it assault).
- Taping his snores and then playing them back at a high volume (he did not wake up).
- Sharing the bed in different rooms (very nice but we were in our minds like we had failed in our marriage).
What turned out to be the solution:
Earplugs and coming to the conclusion that loving someone really means not suffocating him/her with a pillow at 3 AM. For a deeper look, see our article on resolving money fights.
2. Marriage Issues and the Toilet Seat Truce That Saved Us
After a seven-year marriage, I can confidently say that men are not physically able to lower the seat. I helped over five hundred couples to begin their romance, and to my surprise, this conflict is not local but global. An outside reference on marriage and divorce statistics can add useful context to what we cover here.
The covenant of our peace:
- I ceased to nag (mostly).
- He bears the cost of my pedicures each time I step in at night.
- Our having motion-sensor nightlights installed (changed the game).
3. Marital Problems Explained: Why We Quit the Silent Treatment Game
Our history? Four days of silence following The Great Christmas Tree Debate of 2016 (real or fake – the division is still present between us).
Reasons for this decision:
- It takes a lot of energy to fake indifference.
- The kids were constantly inquiring whether we were getting divorced.
- We came to the conclusion that we were acting childish like our toddlers.
At present we have a regulation: after 24 hours, a person must end the silence by saying something absurd like “Those jeans make your butt look good.” It never fails. People in this situation often benefit from reading about handling the silent treatment.
4. Relationship Problems in Communication: Money Myths That Almost Broke Us
“Absolutely we can bear this cost!” The words which have been heard often before:
- The occurrence with the jet ski.
- The phase of “just one credit card”.
- That situation when we financed a trip with our tax return (then owed more taxes).
How we finally opened our eyes:
- Weekly budget meetings accompanied by wine (easier to bear the numbers).
- Each of us gets $50/month as “no questions asked” spending money.
- We have a common Google Doc where all purchases are tracked (the shame keeps us truthful).
5. Marriage Difficulties in Parenting and How We Called a Ceasefire
It is not an easy task to explain or even to accept that nothing else can put the same strain on a marriage like the bringing up of children. Personally, I went through these famous couples and their separations as well as through the conflicts of parenting and even the COVID-19 pandemic, and I can say that parenting issues are mostly responsible for the marriages’ breakdowns. The most difficult issues for us were:
- The limits of screen time (he is the parent who has fun; I am the one who controls).
- The bedtime rituals (he gives in to their bidding; I am the one who enforces the sleep rules).
- The food restrictions (I am for organic everything; he says “a chocolate late at night never killed anyone”).
Our truce:
- Always support each other’s decisions in front of the children.
- Only one of us will be the harsh one at a time.
- Private messages when one of us requires assistance (“Code Red – she won’t wear pants!”).
6. Challenges to Marriage: Ending Our Intimacy Drought
Ultimately, in each marriage there is a point where lovemaking is no longer “passionate love-making” but rather is called “scheduled maintenance”. The periods of no intimacy in our marriage have been:
- The years with a newborn (we were so drained that even a high-five was out of the question).
- The months of home improvements (the presence of dry wall dust is the greatest mood killer of all).
- Both of us stuck at home during one summer due to the AC breaking (sweating and smelly while cuddling is not for us).
Our disconnections turned into reconnection:
- We no longer were waiting for “perfect” moments (such moments do not exist).
- We became inventive with our quickies (the little one’s nap times are sacred).
- We came to the conclusion that sometimes snuggling is counted as intimacy, too.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q1. My Husband’s Snoring Is Out Of Control. What Do I Do to Survive This?
Well, I must admit, my man does make a bear sound that has a sinus infection. I have done all possible: poking him (he simply turns to the other side), earplugs (they don’t work), and even sleeping separately (which I considered as a loss). But the solution is a powerful white noise machine, and accepting that sometimes you sleep with one eye open in marriage. Tip: Record his snoring and play it the next morning at breakfast. It may be a bit of shame, but it could work.
Q2. Why Won’t My Husband Close The Damn Cabinets?
I am telling you it is a conspiracy. Each time I enter the kitchen it looks as if a ghost has been there having fun. To get back at him, I have started to shut the cabinets with a lot of noise and look into his eyes at the same time. He laughs, I exhale, and we have gotten to the point where we think marriage is about tolerating each other’s habits—even the ones that knock you out.
Q3. We Keep Having The Same Stupid Fight. How Do We Break The Cycle?
Oh, like us and the infamous Thermostat War of 2022? (Spoiler: I was the one who came out on top.) The secret is this: Whenever you sense the same old argument getting heated, pause and question, “Hold on, are we really going to repeat this?” Then turn the situation upside down—wager on who will keep quiet the longest. The one who loses treats the other to ice cream. All of a sudden, fights are not that serious anymore.
Q4. Why Does Every Money Conversation Turn Into A Screaming Match?
We used to have money disputes until it dawned on us that we couldn’t be worse at managing it than we already were. So now we apply a no shame policy. We meet every Sunday for coffee, check our banking app, and together count the cash. If it’s bad, we laugh about it. If it’s really bad, we order pizza. It’s a lot easier to budget when you’ve got someone to do it with.
Q5. Why Does Parenting Together Feel Like A Competition?
Children are small experts in making parents play against each other. Our agreement? Always be on the same page in the presence of kids. If one parent denies something, it is a no, even if the other secretly disagrees. Later, we sort it out among ourselves. Besides, the little secret eye-rolls during the child’s tantrum make the situation easier.
Q6. Our Sex Life Is Nonexistent. Are We Doomed?
Definitely not. After 17 years together, we experienced dry periods longer than a summer in the Sahara. What’s the secret? Stop looking for “ideal” moments. In some cases, it is a quick hot session in the shower. In others, it is just cuddling on the couch while holding hands. Love-making doesn’t have to be like fireworks every time—sometimes it’s just the act of not releasing each other.
Q7. Why Do We Fight About The Dumbest Things?
The reason is that love often changes the adults who are rational into kids. A good example of this is: we once spent 45 minutes in a heated discussion questioning if a hot dog is a sandwich. (It’s not.) Now, when we begin to argue over trifles, we simply ask: “Is it worth our limited energy?” Usually, the answer is no. Only pass the act on to the major issues.
Q8. How Do I Stop Keeping Score?
Ugh, the mental tally is awful. I used to monitor who did more dishes, laundry, or diaper changes. Then it hit me: marriage isn’t a contest. We have our off days—sometimes he carries us, and other times I do. As long as nobody’s taking advantage of the situation, let it go. (But if he never does the dishes, yes, call him out.)
Q9. We’re Stuck In A Rut. How Do We Reconnect?
Remember the time when dating was fun? Make that era happen again. We began to enjoy “stupid little dates”—like munching on gas station snacks in the car or having grocery carts race in the parking lot. Laughter is the quickest way back to each other.
Q10. When Is It Time For Counseling?
When you are researching for “divorce lawyers” at 2 a.m. But, to be honest? Don’t let it go that far. If you’re embroiled in the same disputes, feeling cut off, or if you just want to have better skills, therapy is not a failure—it’s like calling the plumber before your pipes burst.
The Raw Truth About Staying Married
Marriage is not about daily happiness. It is:
- Opting for each other even during the times you don’t want to be with each other.
- Finding humor in your ridiculousness.
- Keeping in mind that the person who drives you nuts the most is also the one who knows exactly how you like your coffee.
There will be days when you will think of running away to Mexico. Then there will be days when you will watch your partner playing with the kids or singing out of tune in the shower and think, “Wow, I got lucky.” That ties into baby shower gifts, which has a full guide of its own.
Your turn: What is the most absurd thing you have ever argued about with your partner? (We have a record of a 3-day standoff over putting the iron stand in the room or the lounge).
